Memory and Distortion (Nov 2016)
(Words 1368 / 4.5 mins)
Why isn’t she answering my call? Where is Caitlin? I’ve been banging my cane on this floor for ages and she hasn’t come to me. She’s always nearby, she’d have told me if she was going out of the house. Is it a Friday? I do lose track sitting here. She goes out with those sisters of hers on a Friday, over to Bishop, takes the kids when they’re home and leaves them with Margaret, that Mother has the patience of a Saint looking after that lot while her daughters go galavanting around town. Caitlin would have told me, she’d have made sure I didn’t need to go before she left, where is she? I’m going to have to try and get up myself. Where’s my cane, I’ve been banging it enough, it can’t be far. I need her to help me to the bathroom. Caitlin always answers me.
“Caitlin!”
“Caitlin!”
Where is she? I’m sure she didn’t say anything about going out when we had lunch, she’d of said, did I hear the door or the car? She’d be in her heels, it’s a Friday, I’d of heard her. Where is she?
“Caitlin!”
“Caitlin?”
“Cait….lin?”
Is it Friday? Nurse Webber comes on a Friday. Maybe she’s here and they’re talking in the back with the door shut. Did I nod off?
“Nurse Webber!”
“Nurse!”
“Caitlin!”
No, Nurse can’t be here, she’d have been in I’m sure of that. Oh, I’ll have to go myself. I can’t wait any longer, I can’t hold on. I’ll do it, one step at a time, just get myself up, just lean on my cane and up I’ll get. Where the goodness are you Caitlin?
If I can just get to my feet, just push myself up here, just a push, 1,2,3. Right, I’m on my way, I’m moving, nearly at the door, got the door handle, I’m there. Take a moment to steady. Steady here, I’ll listen, maybe I’ll hear her.
“Caitlin!”
“Is that you up there?”I’m sure I heard something upstairs. Please come and give me your arm. Why isn’t she coming to help me?
Leaving me to struggle like this, what will Guy say when he finds out. When will Guy be home? Is it Friday? He’ll be home earlier if it is. I can’t be expected to wait that long. I need to get to the lav now. Through the door, steady as you go.
I’m in the Hallway, if I just stay against the wall, I’ll get there, I’m alright, I’ve got my cane, I’ve got the wall, slowly, slowly, keep moving. This hall seems longer. What is Caitlin doing? Nearly at the door now, just use the table, I can reach it if i just….Ohhh! Oh, there we go, I’m there, at the table, toilet door is just here. I’m almost there. I shouldn’t be risking myself doing this.
Who do they think they are leaving me on my own. Wait until Guy hears what I’ve gone through. Why did they all move to this rambling house anyway, no-one was thinking of me. Nearly there now, hold on. Mind the telephone. She’s always on that telephone. Gossiping with those sisters, all the time. What they find to chat about I’ll never know. She doesn’t want me to hear. Wants to complain about me I expect. What a burden I am. I could ring one of them now, Pam or Alice? I bet she’s just gone off with them, forgotten about me. I’ll call Margaret, she wouldn’t mind, she’d understand that I shouldn’t be left on my own. Just rest my cane here, lean on the table, now the telephone, three numbers, what were they? Oh, all this worry and struggle, I’ve forgotten the number! No, I’ll ring Guy. But I need to go. Can I get up those steps to the lav? I need to go now. Why am I on my own for so long? I’ll ring Guy, what was his number? 3…..1…….4…..it’s ringing. I’m not going to make it. It’s Caitlin’s fault, she’ll be cleaning up.
“Guy!”
“Hello, hello Guy, yes it’s me,
I don’t know where Caitlin is Guy, she’s not answering.
I’ve been calling and banging I don’t know where she is, and I, I needed the toilet and I’ve made it this far down the hall.
I’ve had an accident Guy.
No, not that kind, I’m OK.
I’ll just turn myself around and go back to my room.
I’ll not be a bother.
Is Nurse Webber coming today?
Is it Friday?”
“Ok love, yes, I’ll get back to my room and wait.
Well, I’m uncomfortable now.
I’ll wait.
No, Caitlin didn’t tell me she was going out.
I’ve no idea.
Is she upstairs do you think?”
“Bye love.
I’ll see you later, you’ll be home soon won’t you.”
I want to know where Caitlin is now, nevermind that I need her for myself.
Right, back along the hall. Careful now, carefully. I can’t make it up those stairs, just back to my chair. Now, when will Guy be home? Caitlin wouldn’t have left me like this. Was that the door?”
“Hello?”
“Caitlin? I need you in here! Where have you been? I’ve been so worried.”
“Hello Joyce, sorry I’m a bit late this afternoon, how are we today?”
“Well I’m glad you’re here Nurse, I’ve been calling for Caitlin and she’s not come to help and I got too desperate, I tried to get to the toilet but I couldn’t do the stairs but Guy will be on his way home, I got to the phone.”
“I’m sorry June, let’s get you sorted out then, just let me get my gloves on and we’ll have you tidied up in no time won’t we. How long have you been waiting for Caitlin? Did you use the bathroom after lunch?”
“Yes, yes, Caitlin took me then brought me back here, she was dressed for town, but I didn’t hear her go out, I haven’t heard the door. She mentioned a headache, she gets migraines you know, terrible. It is Friday isn’t it? She usually goes out on a Friday, doesn’t she?”
“It is June, and yes, she does, try not to worry, she’ll be back soon. There we go, all done, you’re alright love. You did ever so well to get to the phone. I’ll put these slippers by the fire, do you want a blanket around your legs? Now, I’ll just go and get cleaned up out there, in the hallway you said?”
“Thank you Nurse. Thank you, but could you just check if the car’s there? Check to see if Caitlin has gone out? I might have worried Guy and he said he’d come home early. I didn’t hear her go out.”
“Of course I will, you calm yourself. I bet she had to pop out to the village shop, and it’s almost school pick-up time, she could be out getting Ellie. You rest up, sit quiet, should I pour you a sherry? Do you want the TV on?”
“No, I just want to shut my eyes for a bit, could you pull the curtain across please? That one, yes, that’s it”
“Mother, Mother, Mother!”
Someone is shaking me, did I nod off?
“Mother it’s Guy, wake up Mother. Mother Caitlin isn’t well at all, don’t you worry though, sit still, I’ve called an ambulance. I’m going back upstairs to stay with her. Nurse Webber has gone to get Ellie, Charlotte’s at a party. I’ll phone Margaret. Mother, just sit still.”
Oh no, Oh dear. Oh Caitlin. Is it Friday? Did she go out? I needed her and she didn’t come. I was shouting for her and banging my cane. I thought I’d driven her away. I had an accident, does she know? Did I tell Guy? Where is Ellie? Who’s going to look after us tonight? How is Charlotte going to get home? What about tea? I don’t know what’s for tea, I don’t know what to do. I’ll just sit still here then, I’ll listen for the ambulance. I should have known she wouldn’t leave me to struggle.
