Nothing Worth Having Comes Easy (Feb 2020)
This section is possibly the hardest to write. I’ve written a lot about mental health in the past and it was always as a way to get my head around things or to express a sudden new finding in the way I was learning to help myself. It was kind of off the cuff and not to demand. Anyway, I’ve been asked by many people about how my mental health is fairing with sobriety, it’s a good question and an important thing to reflect on.
As I’ve mentioned before, this was one of the driving reasons for me having a break from the booze. Now I can see that ‘Yes, alcohol made my depression worse’. When I was really mentally ill I suppose drink was another way to self harm, not just the drinking on your own or the secretive drinking but the negative thinking and emotions surrounding it which I’ve already talked about in previous blogs.
Before I go any further, I really want to emphasise that I am writing here about my experiences. If you’re still following me and thinking “Why the big deal?”. Well, maybe for many people it isn’t a biggy but for me, it was. I didn’t like myself, I didn’t know how to stop, and it was making me ill. I was drinking for the wrong reasons. That is what made it a problem.
Some of you who know me will know how much I also enjoyed a social drink, especially on a dinner out with close friends or a Sunday lunch, or on a gig night out with my sister. So yes, I had to cut out something that I love to get out of a dark place.
Looking back now I can see when drinking was a problem; when I didn’t know when to stop or when I was abusing alcohol and there are times I wish I could erase. But I’ve got great memories from those early days of going out when getting lashed was the main focus through to recently when the new beers, gifted bottle of fizz or great bottle of red just added to the enjoyment of the evening. The thing is, the things I regret are really bad memories, things I really wish I hadn’t done or been involved in. AA have in their 12 step programme step number 9 which asks you to ‘Make direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others’. I’m not following the 12 steps, I know that AA is a massive help to many people but it wasn’t for me. I can’t go back and change anything but I’ve got to deal with this part in my head and move on. There are parts of the 12 step process that kind of come to you naturally through this process, like wanting to right your wrongs.
Back to the mental health issue. I can see now that whenever my mental health was in decline, I was drinking too much. I felt emboldened, strong, heroic, mature, then quickly that would turn to feeling weak, lost, a failure, hopeless and more depressed. That’s because alcohol is a drug and it messes with our emotions. If you’re also on antidepressants, or your brain is struggling to function properly then ‘whoops’.
When I’m ill my emotions are wildly up and down but the downs go deep. Alcohol adds to this. So having been off it for the last 3 months I’ve seen my mood stabilise more than it has in years and years. I know that 3 months isn’t long enough to make a full assessment; I’ve had good periods as long as this before, but this time we are reducing my dose and I’m on the lowest dose of medication that I’ve been on for a very long time.
The big find so far has been the amount of extra head space I’ve had and the ability to fill that with positive experiences has been a double bonus. I’m singing in a choir (and around the house more 😉 ),writing more, exercising more mindfully and have a better head to address things with. But also, you can’t underestimate the feeling of strength that comes from finding you have control over something that you always thought had control over you.
All of the mental health bloggers and writers that I follow either limit their alcohol or are sober….Bryony Gordon, Matt Haig, Rachel Kelly, Fearne Cotton, Russell Brand. Some of them were previously addicts but now embrace sobriety through choice to protect their mental health.
It is really hard some days, there are days when I really fancy a drink. I’ve said before how you have to observe the thought, don’t act on it and just let it pass. But that takes strength and will power and ignoring the bad voice in your head telling you it’s okay to give in and have just the one. Whilst I’m doing this I know that my mental health is in a better place so without too much analysis I guess that’s where the answer lies.
I was walking into town the other morning to meet my friend and I thought, yep, this is taking a lot of strength, it really isn’t easy but aren’t lots of things in life worth having hard work to get to? Nothing worth having comes easy.
