6 Months Sober and it’s Not Over

Almost 6 Months Sober (May 2020)

Do I still crave a drink? Is it getting easier?

Yes. Not every day though and that’s surprised me. I usually start to feel the drink thoughts clawing their way back in when I’m thinking of spending time with friends or family or holidays. I still think in my mind that getting together with friends is enhanced by alcohol. I now know logically that it doesn’t have to be that way but my mind still goes to that train of thought……friends + drinks = nice time.

Am I sleeping better?

Yes. Absolutely. I’ve gone from waking up every single day feeling like I can’t get out of bed to waking up and being ready to get up most days. The other night I didn’t sleep that well and it was okay. I got up feeling unrefreshed and could say ‘It’s fine, it was just a bad night’s sleep, I’ll recover’ instead of ‘I’ve slept badly, it’s my fault, I shouldn’t have had that drink and why don’t I know when to stop? Now I’ve ruined the day and all I want to do is crawl back into bed with my guilt and sleep until I feel better but I can’t because I’ve got soooo much to do and I can’t be bothered to do any  of them but that’s really bad because I’m really lucky to have the things and opportunities that I have…blah blah blah……’ Honestly, what a relief!

How has it improved my mental and physical health?

See above! There is so much more headspace available from negative thoughts. Much less self blame, guilt, self loathing….alcohol isn’t the only thing that can bring these on but it’s the biggest influence.

My physical health is still a journey and I can’t hide from viruses but I feel more powerful, more resilient and hopefully my immune system has a better chance of dealing with stuff when my organs aren’t dealing with processing the alcohol.

I think another factor is that days are easier to compare, once you take out the alcohol bias you’ve got a fairer comparison of how you feel day to day. Yoga helps me to do this too.

What alternatives have I found to drinking alcohol?

Water. Sounds obvious but I am drinking far more water and the difference is that my body isn’t on perpetual catch up to re-hydrate. I’m better for every glass I drink. 

When we go out I like ginger ale, sparkling water and there are so many alcohol free lagers and beers now. At home I have the odd AF lager or ale on an evening. I didn’t do this at first; I needed to get the whole alcohol thing out of my system. I’ve also got Seedlip for an alternative to G&T which is nice, kind of! It’s been lovely that when we’ve been to people’s houses they’ve thought of a non alcoholic alternative for me such as mocktails and refreshing cordials.

What do I miss?

I miss sharing a bottle of red with Nick on a weekend night in front of the fire and the TV. 

I miss going out for dinner and carefully choosing a bottle of something that will compliment both of our chosen meals.

I miss chatting about the wine or ales we’re drinking with our group of friends that we have dinner with regularly. 

I miss the closeness from sitting down with my best friends just to drink and talk until we’re talking rubbish really.

Does lockdown make it easier or harder to stay AF?

I think it’s easier because it’s down to me. We have less alcohol in the house than we used to. Nick isn’t drinking as much either (not from my preaching!).

At the beginning of the lockdown when all the memes and comedy videos were going round about the Mums reaching for the wine it was a bit irritating, none of those made me want to join them and they put me off. Who wants a hangover when you’ve got homeschooling to do and housework and your own work……nightmare.

Now I feel quite out of touch, for all I know the rest of the country could be drinking less or way more, it’s like it really only matters to me what I’m doing. I’m not really socialising on Zoom as such. I do choir (other people have alcoholic drinks), book club (some people have drinks), a couple of family quiz groups (some drinks on the Friday night) and yoga (strictly water!). My Mental Health Mates chat group is a Saturday morning so we’re all about cups of tea. I don’t know if my friends are doing alcohol fuelled Zoom parties but I don’t have any FOMO if they are!

Will I ever drink alcohol again?

This is the tough one. I cannot believe I’ve been 6 months sober. Not the tiniest drink has passed my lips, not in waking hours anyway! I have dreamt a few times that I’ve accidentally drank or forgotten that I don’t drink and knocked back a glass of wine but in my dream I feel hammered straight away and really guilty, that guilt then stays with me for ages in waking hours!

Every morning I wake up and think ‘YES!’ I did it again! I’m terrified of waking up one morning and not having that feeling, of waking up with a physical hangover or worse, a mental one.

But…….there are things I really miss. At the moment I think the answer is to focus on the benefit I feel each morning. One day I will be faced with the possibility of a drink in one of the scenarios that I miss and I’ll have to weigh it up; will having a drink really make this experience better and will I feel the same the next day? If I drink am I letting anyone down? Just myself. 

The thing was, alcohol wasn’t working for me in the way I wanted it to. I wanted to be able to have a drink, enjoy the moment of the first taste. Enjoy the camaraderie of drinks with friends, know when to stop and not be left feeling mentally or physically annihilated by the experience the next day. The truth for me was that I couldn’t have it all my way so something had to change.

I don’t know if I can get to where I want to be. I don’t want to risk it at the moment. I’m scared to risk it. I’m scared of undoing all the good work I’ve done so far. Alternatively I don’t want to feel I’m denying myself something pleasurable for the rest of my life when enough good stuff was taken away from me already. But….I do want a strong, healthy future and I guess that now it’s a case of working on the way forward so I’m stronger mentally and so that I have the ultimate control over that future and my health. I suppose it’s watch this space for a blog a year into sober!