Viva Las Vegas, Adios Sobriety?
I’d run out of excuses to have a drink, I’d stopped examining those and knew they weren’t all that they claimed to be. They were just lies. So when an excuse popped up into my head I saw it off, gave it no time, I let it pass through and waved it away. But then came the Bipolar hidden curse; a bout of hypomania. It was a three week flurry of chaotic thoughts and film reels playing in my head; of creativity, ideas and plans. It told me what a good idea drinking would be, how life was amazing and needed to be grasped and enjoyed and how a drink would do no harm. I didn’t examine the thought, I just craved the substance and I really craved that altered state it would bring. Just a few minutes in an altered state of mind any way and any how.
So I poured a low alcohol cider, I thought I could get away with it, it’s only 1% and it won’t lead to anything else…just that. I poured my low alcohol, I drank half and I didn’t feel very good about myself so I poured the other half away. But not to be deterred, the next night I poured a nonalcoholic gin, topped it up with a fragranced tonic water, added my ice cubes and a slice of lemon and commenced cooking the evening meal. Half an hour later without really thinking about it, I added the real gin, then a bit more. I didn’t pour it away, but then I didn’t pour another. The deed was done and out of my system.
For once I wasn’t in denial, and it didn’t take up too much head space in terms of overthinking what I’d done. I accepted that this was all on me, there was no external trigger, there was no one else cheering me along. There was no cheering at all. In fact, it was all a bit of an anti climax. I know more now about how our brains work where alcohol is concerned and how it lies to us. My thought process was telling me I needed to have that drink and about the promise of great things that would follow but the altered state that I’d craved wasn’t that wonderful this time, it was tinged with an ugly edge and left a bad taste behind.
I realise that this is another part of the learning. It was my longest hypomanic state since I’ve given up drinking and I was still getting to grips with that. I was trying to figure out every day and whether I was worse than the day before, if I needed to hit an alarm button, or what I could do to ground myself. I was reaching out for help to monitor and manage that and these cravings snuck in off the back of it.
I’m still 600 days dry, with a couple of tiny blips. At the time they felt monumental because I’d veered off the safe path and I didn’t know where it was going to lead. I’m trying to think of it as that road still, the journey that I’m on. I’m still on my sobriety journey and the hypomania was like passing through Las Vegas with all the bright lights and invitations to extremes. I travelled through, I experienced Las Vegas but it didn’t change me, I’ve come through the other side and I’ve left it behind now. I’ve written the postcard and chalked it up to another experience.
Sometimes the amount of learning seems overwhelming. I try and take it one day at a time, one moment at a time because that is all we can ever do. I suppose if I’m honest the blip did get me thinking about moderation again but this wasn’t a planned moderation, it wasn’t planned at all and I’m still a bit nervous about giving that a go and undoing all the good work I’ve done. Just over 600 days isn’t to be sneered at, that’s 600 days of being kind to my body and mind because alcohol isn’t kind to me. Alcohol was that popular kid in the class who was actually a bit mean to me at times and I’ve found some new friends to hang out with now. I can still say hi and greet them, still be around them but I don’t need to engage with them and follow their lead.
- Hypomania is an abnormally revved-up state of mind that affects your mood, thoughts, and behavior, it is common to mood disorders such as Bipolar Disorder 2.
