2. – Where’s the Attraction?

Here I go out to sea again

The sunshine fills my hair

And dreams hang in the air

Gulls in the sky and in my blue eye

You know it feels unfair

There’s magic everywhere

Look at me standing

Here on my own again

Up straight in the sunshine

Black – Wonderful Life

A bright south facing facade, my house doesn’t stand out as anything other than normal. It fits in on the street and people could walk past it without even a fleeting glance. Over time the front has weathered. Some days when the sun shines directly on to it you can see its charm. It isn’t pristine, it isn’t freshly painted and some of the woodwork is starting to look a bit flaky but it certainly isn’t uncared for. Looking at the windows you can see beautiful curtains rather than tired and faded ones. The blinds are rarely pulled down, only when the world is too bright to endure. A fairly average house from the outside but if you come to the window and peer in, look closely, properly, not just a quick glance, you can see what’s really inside. Tiredness might show in dishevelled furnishings, maybe there’s a gleam of polished wood and occasionally beautifully arranged flowers will convey their scent and happiness through the glass. The windows are still a reflection of what’s held within the walls but you have to take a close look if you really want to see.

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Questions in prose aren’t always effective. We generally just read on without really giving any thought to what is being asked. Although here is a question that we could really give some time to think about: 

‘What is the allure of an eating disorder, to the sufferer?’ 

Perhaps an answer will come from personal endurance or from being close to somebody who is struggling with one. It seems as if most people have had some experience in one way or another. It would be easy to dismiss, to say ‘Of course there is no attraction, it’s out of the sufferer’s control’ but ‘Every cloud has a silver lining’ goes the saying. When you’re in the grasp of such an illness you might naturally look for the things that seem to be life enhancing. If there is still control, then there must be some reason to justify prolonging the struggle. 

It’s perverse, but throughout the illness, as well as the negatives there is actually a feeling that it’s the right thing to be doing, a good thing. Maybe it’s to find a way of coping, a way of justifying and dealing with the twisted fulfilment alongside self destruction. The brain is overloaded with obsession about food and eating, unable to function to its usual capacity. Memory is unreliable, logic doesn’t follow on as it should, usually understandable things are confusing, and seeing things in black and white becomes the ultimate simplification that makes control easier.  It becomes straightforward to perceive the benefits of being ill…

• Buying new clothes that will fit
• Wearing children’s clothes that are cheaper
• Decision of what to wear is simpler with fewer clothes in wardrobe
• Enjoying making lovely meals and sweet treats for everyone else
• A stomach doesn’t lie on the bed next to you
• Feeling lighter
• Able to cycle faster with less weight to carry
• Pleasure gained from looking at the bakery’s offerings and feeling the control in not eating
• Eating more slowly and savouring the taste and texture
• Cutting food into smaller pieces to make it last longer and help digestion
• Coffee tastes stronger and different tastes are more discernible
• Hot drinks aren’t just a comfort or to relax with but also stave off hunger
• Drinking herbal teas, definitely good for your health
• Less money spent on food
• Less impact on the environment
• Enjoying meals out for the challenge of choosing the least calorific things on the menu
• Not having to cover up the ‘muffin top’ spilling over the top of jeans
• Sliding easily into a pair of jeans with a flat stomach and defined hip bones
• Clothes feel looser and more comfortable
• Less sweating on hot days
• Restricting food until diet is made up of foods with good nutritional value
• Delicious, colourful salads instead of carbs
• Feeling bones and saying ‘hello’ to those ribs that you’d never met
• Dark humour
• Hot water bottles and blankets to snuggle into for warmth
• A cleaner house as control increases
• Withdrawing from people means easier logistics
• Exercising in the fresh air
• Listening to music or books and podcasts as you exercise more often
• Feeling you’ve got a secret

None of these things are essential to life, at least not to growth and happiness. These things that seem to be looking on the bright side are shallow. They all signal isolation, selfishness, minutiae that absorbs and distracts from the wider world out there. They grow from a desire to please yourself, to find a way to congratulate, to boost self esteem. A need to fit in and to have a purpose. They’re all false, but you don’t know it, it’s pure self deception.

Physically you’re taking up less space and so do previous difficult thoughts. There are what you also perceive to be emotional benefits as your mind shuts out the usual chatter and is consumed by the one thing that seems to make you feel better. As diet is restricted, feelings change, emotional responses diminish,  anxieties that were once all consuming are too difficult to comprehend so again, the mind finds more positives.

• Feeling more outgoing as the hurt inside is hidden
• Anxiety isn’t a constant presence
• Looking at other people and knowing you’re smaller than them
• No feelings of disgust after eating because you’ve limited intake
• Worries are simpler when food is the all consuming concern
• Congratulating yourself on discipline for sticking to rules
• Feeling proud of yourself for self control
• Feeling better about yourself inside as you feel you look better on the outside
• Feelings of superiority to others who are eating bigger platefuls when you’re out for a meal
• Being fascinated observing your own changing thought patterns as rules tighten
• Being distracted from the same old emotions that have bothered you for years
• Able to be more matter of fact once feelings have numbed
• Satisfaction at the way you can observe hunger and let it pass
• Controlling impulses that you once acted on that would lead to more guilt

These ‘positives’ are tricking you into thinking this is a better way of life. It is simpler but not better. It is hiding the real issues away out of sight. Back to the question: ‘Is there any allure of an eating disorder, for the sufferer?’. The attractions serve something, they might not have been things that someone would set out to achieve but once they are set in they provide a sense of control, self worth and pride. These are stronger than any such feelings experienced before. They become addictive and necessary. The mind games are confusing if you’re prone to overthinking but also have their charm. When you read about extremely restrictive diets the word ‘control’ is always mentioned and here it is, behind every perceived positive of the illness, and who would want to lose that?

⦁

Maybe my house just never wanted to look average in the first place. It had tried to fit in but on looking inside there were signs of perfectionism and also disarray. Maybe it was trying to stand out as better than the other houses on the street or was it that it wanted to blend in and not upset the uniformity of the row. Maybe it’s just another ordinary house with nothing particularly different about it to note, just a few unique features.