Learning to Run Again

Learning to Run Again

A couple of years ago, during the summer holidays, I was easily running a half marathon distance. I always enjoyed going out for a run and always had a plan for my distances. But for the last year I’ve been finding it impossible to build on anything. Is it because of my age? Lockdown? Medication I’ve been put on? Hormones? Have I had Covid? Or is it just a lack of willpower to keep pushing through the harder runs? Whatever it is, it is getting me down. I’ve gained weight and feel completely out of shape. 

About six years ago I had trained for a half marathon and ran it feeling like I had lead in my legs, I’d had tears running down my cheeks and had no drive or self confidence. My mind didn’t have a shred of positivity and I hadn’t even felt any sense of accomplishment at finishing. With hindsight I had come to understand that this had been in the middle of a major depressive phase and my body was as exhausted as my mind. Previously misdiagnosed with post viral fatigue I had put my variability in running ability down to the ups and downs of this illness. 

In the last two years I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder 2, I have stopped drinking alcohol and I have stopped work, so I felt my self awareness and the time I now have should be seeing me maybe even working towards a marathon by now and potentially in the best shape I could have been in for years. But, Bipolar Disorder doesn’t work in smooth timelines. A hypomanic episode will see me signing up for distance races and a depressive episode will see me struggle to meet the expectations. Since diagnosis I’d been experimented on with different medications and routines, throw in a global pandemic and spells with the kids off school and training to a schedule would be tough for anyone.

So back to my initial query, why the slump? Every time I bolted out of the door, eager and ready to rack up some miles I ended up floundering after just a mile and returning to walking between landmarks for a break. Was it a mental block or a physical reason for my inability to crack on with my runs? My mind seemed to be willing but my body just was not able to follow. (I’ve been watching ‘Big, Little Lies on Sky and those girls make running look awesome! I wan’t to run like them!).

There were some physical signs as well as the mental dip. On returning from a run I’d end up with a day-long headache and I’d probably need a sleep at some point to recover from it. One of the medications that I was on, a tricyclic antidepressant, was making my mouth dry and my body feel heavy. When I’d been out on my bike I had over estimated the distance I could manage and twice returned feeling sick and wobbly. I couldn’t swim because the pools were closed and I don’t favour gyms. My yoga was still three times a week and offered some stability and a lot of benefits but I craved the cardio exercise as well.

There are many adverse side effects that come with not maintaining cardio exercise. My mental health needs the natural endorphins. Exercise also increases concentrations of norepinephrine, a chemical that helps moderate the brain’s response to stress and Bipolar Disorder episodes are very easily triggered by stress. I’ve gained over a stone in weight, my metabolism has definitely slowed down and I’m inclined to blame the medication. For me, this only makes my mental health worse, the thing (meds) that is meant to be making me better is making me feel worse.

So a few weeks ago I decided to come off all my medications. I’m cleaning up my body and I’m picking up exercise. I’m trying some different holistic methods to manage my illness and exercise has to be one of those tools. I’ve started the ‘Couch to 5K’ app which I love. I have Sarah Millican shouting instructions at me and she’s keeping me going. So at the moment I’m working up to a 5K as opposed to skittering between a 5K and a half marathon. The thing is, it is achievable. I’m managing the walk / run routine that it sets and I don’t give up so I come back home feeling I’ve achieved something. The pools are open again so I’m swimming regularly and I’m out on my bike but just for short rides of around an hour. Keeping it all very steady.

Just as I was turning my mindset around and trying to move away from striving for a running distance that I couldn’t achieve, I broke my toe doing yoga. Yep, of all the activities and sports that I have taken part in, I have a yoga injury. It’s a fairly common injury for runners (Ha! Just what I was not at that moment!). A bone spur that had built up on a joint had broken off, it had fractured my toe and a loose piece of bone called an osteophyte is left floating to irritate the toe and make it more painful. Every time I walk or stubbornly run on it I have burning pain in the ball of my foot and up the front from my toe. Was I ever going to get back on track again?! I bandage it up, take pain relief and try to keep going, walking in Crocs (apparently they’re back in fashion, bonus!) and running in my running trainers.

Very slowly now, my toe is getting better, that’s the big news. Very gradually now I am building up my running distance. Very carefully I am monitoring my moods as my illness is not medicated. A month ago I was hypomanic and every walk, run, ride on my broken toe was over pushed and under performed, for a week after that I was exhausted and unable to crawl much further than out of my bed for more than a couple of hours at a time. So now an awareness of my mental and physical limitations with the tutelage of Sarah Millican will hopefully see me back on the road and back to fitness.

I haven’t talked about my diet, that of course is also important for weight management and a healthy routine. I tend not to write about my diet as I’m not very confident in how I manage my own or how to keep a steady equilibrium. I’m a bit haphazard; the awareness is there and I’m fundamentally healthy but it’s not an area I’m happy to share my thoughts on.

I work best with a routine so over the summer I’m establishing my routine of running a ‘couch to 5K’ three times a week and filling in with walks, swims, gentle cycles and yoga. Sarah Millican tells me, in her Geordie accent ‘You’re doing great’ and I am feeling a bit better about it all. Maybe in the Autumn I’ll be back to a Park Run or, knowing me, signing up for something a bit further! Definitely not a triathlon though, never.