18 Month Soberversary

  

18 Month Soberversary

I’ve made it to 18 months sober, little by little the days have stacked up and I’ve got there, 547 days to be exact. It’s just that I wanted to celebrate and I wanted to celebrate with a glass of something cold, sparkling, possibly pale pink given the season and alcoholic.

In my head it was a celebration and that was absolutely an excuse to have a drink. I thought about that drink every day and every night as I approached the magical date and when I got to it I thought about what other excuses I could tie in to make it more acceptable…..going out for dinner? Another teenager in the house? Seeing my brother for the first time in 6 months….I was dreaming about other people around me drinking and waking up laced with guilt as though I had drunk the alcohol. I was feeling the terror of being surrounded by other inebriated people, I was anxious about the things I was failing to achieve in my dreams because the people who were meant to be helping me were too drunk. The dreams were so vivid and so awful that they hung over me throughout the day. My dreams were trying to warn me that drinking would only let me down. I have responsibilities now, they’re not in anyone else’s hands, I am in charge of my own recovery and I need to take action to protect that.

The urges to drink were the worst I’d had since quitting drinking a year and a half ago. I knew from my last blog that the average urge only lasts 6 minutes but I guess they were queuing up behind each other. I knew it wasn’t an easy ride in recovery and I suppose I’d just started to relax a bit, the tools I’d armed myself with were working. I’d been on a steady track for a while but it’s actually a rollercoaster and you have to be strapped in and prepared for the ups and downs at all times. 

In our Smart meeting on Tuesday we looked at cost / benefit analysis and I loved that tool. It’s been a big help for me when I’ve found myself being indecisive. In this case it wasn’t indecision but I needed a persuasive case. There were short term and long term costs and benefits of drinking and it was going to help me to sit and list them. The conclusion was simple: 

‘The benefits of using are short term, the benefits of not using are long term.’ 

I realised that I needed to look a bit closer to home, really focus on myself and why I wanted to drink again. The best I could come up with was for short term benefit, to feel the pleasure of that first drink. The second thing I came up with was self sabotage. It’s like racing to get to the top of the mountain first, getting there, jumping around on the top, waving your arms around and cheering and then promptly jumping off the cliff edge.

Our facilitator mentioned the phrase ‘relapse thought patterns’ and I jotted it down. That’s what is happening to me! It’s not just a craving, I’m genuinely considering having a drink and if I do, well, I don’t think moderation is likely. Also, if I throw away those 547 cumulative days I’m back to day 1. I know I’ve still got those days in the bank but for me I’m either doing something or I’m not. My brain doesn’t cope with half in and half out.

I looked up this ‘relapse’ word with reference to alcohol and found some interesting stuff. In terms of the idea I’d had of rewarding my 18 months with a drink, that is a thing. The brain has learnt over many years to associate substances with the internal rewards system. It is occurring in the subconscious mind but surfaces as cravings. Apparently it can take many years before the brain stops associating alcohol with reward or celebration.

I’d been telling myself that my drinking wasn’t that bad, why put all this pressure on myself to stop? Again, this is normal. It’s now been over a year and a half since I had a bad hangover or a drink induced depression. My brain would be remembering the good times I associated with alcohol and healing the suffering. 

Just as with urges to drink so thoughts of relapse can be triggered by other things; external or internal. Perhaps I needed to sit with my feelings of low self esteem, and fight the thought patterns. There was one big thing that I could pull to the front of my mind to try and prevent a relapse and it was how many calories are in alcohol. Alcohol free lager is negligible calorie content, actual alcohol is loaded. I was trying to lose weight gained in the last 4 months and drinking would have to be counted in my daily calorie total. I knew these weren’t enough so looked for some more advice on fighting off the urges.

To fight the relapse thought patterns:

• Tell someone and get support, don’t keep it a secret
• Use mindful meditation to observe your thoughts
• Try a change of scenery
• Journal your thoughts
• Read inspirational recovery material
• Try not to romantacise the alcohol
• Write a gratitude list of all the good things that come from being sober.

One of the bits of advice that came up when I was reading about relapse thoughts was ‘don’t feel guilty’. It’s easy to give yourself a hard time for wanting a drink for whatever reason but this is only adding to the negative feelings and there’s no need to. Accept that this is normal and work to overcome it, the urges will pass. I know this now, I’ve got experience behind me.

On Friday we went out for a meal, just Nick and I, our first meal out just the two of us in about 6 months. It coincided nicely with my 18 month soberversary and I’d spent the last week thinking I’d allow myself to have a glass of something before the meal. I had found an excuse and latched on to it. I knew it was just an excuse and I knew I was vulnerable to relapse but two thoughts dominated….

1. I may have form at staying sober but I’ve also got form at self sabotage and that’s what is going to win this one.

2. If I had a drink when I was out I wouldn’t be able to finish the bottle, I would only have the one. ie a first stab at moderation.

So we went out and I felt kind of excited about my little secret to treat myself. We’d forgotten though that you have to book a table to have a drink somewhere and we were running out of time so ended up going straight to the restaurant. We took our seats, the tables were nicely spaced out and we had an upstairs window seat so we had great seats for people watching. The menus were delivered to us and I turned over to look at the drinks menu. I already knew that this place didn’t do AF lager which would normally be my drink of choice to have with Thai food. I looked at the champagne list, it was reasonably priced and I told Nick what I’d decided…… the waiter came to take our order, I made my request…….”I’m sorry Madam, we don’t do champagne by the glass, only by the bottle.” So I went for elderflower instead. I felt momentarily disappointed but then maybe a little relieved too. Today I am eighteen months and five days sober and I haven’t had any cravings for the last couple of days.

This gives me more time to examine why I was so willing to sabotage my efforts. I don’t feel like I’m being influenced to drink by other people, If anything I feel stronger not drinking when I’m in other people’s company. It’s my own feelings and maybe doubting my own strength that is putting me in danger.

I found some stats on the subject of relapse:

29 % of people never relapsed back to alcohol

32% relapsed within the first year

21% relapsed in their second year

10% in three to five years

8% after five years of recovery

So the chances of relapse decrease the longer you stay sober.

What I don’t know is what would have happened if I had had that drink. Would it have been the one and only or would it have led to more. I hope it would have been a one off but after such a close call I’m not finding out.