The Turmoil Jed Caused (Mar 2017)
(Words 1154 / 4.5 mins)
“I’m off! I’m going now!”
I’d got myself out as fast as I could.
“Don’t try to stop me!”
I didn’t look back at the trashed flat or stop to pick anything up, the weather outside was possessed but I just ran headlong into it.
All that kept me going was the need to get as far away from Jed as possible. He was raging again, and a storm like this only made him more passionate. Lunacy was flashing from his black eyes and sparks might fly from them. He would cause destruction and mayhem whilst he babbled at me, incessant instructions that I had no hope of following.
I’d escaped, but it was getting harder to pedal all the time, my legs were shaking and my eyes were part closed to the constant assault on my face. I knew I was heading in the right direction, the road surface was becoming worse and the wind was merciless, it was a miracle that I was still on my bike at all. The road turned suddenly and dipped down and my breathe was snatched as I faced the wind head on. Lucky it was downhill, I’d never have managed to pedal up against this force. I had run from one disturbance straight into another.
I arrived at Freddie’s house, planning to hide out here until things calmed down, I was feeling every essence of this tempestuous evening. Throwing my bike down in the muddy yard I lurched towards the shed door, pushing it with my shoulder. It gave and I fell in through the gap, landing hard on my left side, I kicked the door shut with the other foot. I closed my eyes and laid still. I took a few moments to pause and breathe deeply again. Striving to bring myself back, I softly repeated my mantra ‘Be Here Now…..Be Here Now….’ calm down, breathe. As I settled, I listened to the wind raging around my wooden closet. The rain was falling so hard on the tin roof that it brought to mind incessant firing bullets. I mustn’t think like that. I needed to find peace, ‘Be Here Now’.
I moved to reach inside my coat pocket for my mobile and realised that in my rush to get out I hadn’t even put a coat on. As the atmosphere in the flat had become more charged it had seemed absolutely the right thing to do to get out and to run to Freddie, but now that I was here, I wasn’t sure. My instinct was telling me something different, Freddie wouldn’t want to hear it, why would he want me invading his quiet evening, bringing my problems in? I looked down at myself, I was shaking from adrenalin and cold. Did I want Freddie to find me? I’d bolted from the danger without thinking straight. My bike was lying outside in the yard, what if he looked out of the window and saw it there? He’d know I was hiding in an out building, he’d track me down. He said I was unpredictable, well Freddie, he was complex, that’s what had drawn us to each other in the group sessions. My mind was racing away again, deep breaths, slow it down and focus.
“Be Here Now……Be Here Now”, my thinking became clearer. I had three choices. Go back to the flat and face Jed, go to Freddie and disturb him, or none of the above. I could see it like a diverging yellow brick road in my head. The tornado had brought me here and dumped me, now I needed a good witch. I couldn’t go back through the squall, never mind back to the flat, Jed was going to mess with my head. I had no where else I could head to out there, no phone or money, and now I realised looking down; no shoes. I was still wearing my grey shaggy slippers, matted and dirty like a storm whipped Toto. That only left going to Freddie, or staying here and waiting for him to find me. What would I say? My mind began to race frantically again, how could I get him to understand the danger I had felt, I had sensed what Jed was planning for me.
I picked at a piece of straw and pulled at it until it split into threads of gold, picked at another, then another, my fingers moving so busily, belying the racing in my head. Oh me, oh my, oh me, oh my….Freddie might come out here and find me. Maybe the rain is so heavy, he won’t come out…..
“What’s that?” my voice was a whisper but it boomed through my head.
I’d heard a bang, a door slamming. It’s Freddie coming, he knows I’m here, I’ve done the wrong thing.
Have courage.
He’s coming.
Use my brain.
Where can I hide?
Feel from the heart.
He’ll understand………
Everything went quiet as the wind seemed to be blowing itself away, then BANG! The door flew back, bashing against me, I hadn’t realised that I was cowering behind it.
“Jessie, where are you? Are you here?”
Is he the wizard? I can’t read his voice, does he want me here? Stay quiet, keep breathing, stay still.
“Jessie! I’ve seen your bike! I know you’re in here! It’s crazy out there! Where in hell are you?”
Ssssshhhh. I crouch, I put my head down to my knees. He’s being kind but I shouldn’t have come. Sssshhhhh……
“There you are!”
“Freddie! I’m……”
“You’re wet through and you’re shaking, and what the hell….?” said Freddie looking at my feet. “Come on, this way.”
Freddie was leading me down the yellow brick road, he picked me up and put his arm around my shoulders and led me away from the tempest into his haven.
“What are you doing out here? Why didn’t you knock at the door?”
I huddled into Freddie’s house, I wasn’t sure if my head was telling me not to trust the wizard, he might not be who he says he is. But then I looked at Freddie, straight on, hoping my eyes would give everything inside my head away. We sat there, at the kitchen table hands relaxing around hot sweet tea for I don’t know how long….and the storm began to blow away.
“What has happened Jessie, why are you here now?”
“It’s Jed…..” I faulted. “He’s back and he’s raging and wild and capable of anything.”
Freddie looked at me then, with the softest, kindest eyes that took away all of the intemperance of the evening. Why had I ever feared coming here, to him.
“Jed’s not real Jessie. He’s not really there. Jed’s just in your head. He can’t really hurt you.”
“But he’s back Freddie.”
“The illness is back. Not ‘Jed’, you’re safe now.”
And that was all I needed to hear.
