A Week into Sober (December 2019)
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It’s been easier than I thought it was going to be but having still felt a bit viral and under the weather might have helped that. There are days when I have to use my will power to resist the open bottle of wine in the fridge but when I do resist, I feel better, I feel proud of myself. In fact I am really proud of myself. I used my head and thought this through and wrote about it to order my thoughts, I came to a decision and I’ve resolved to stick to it. As I said before, alcohol is addictive and it only takes that first drink to get you hooked again, so staying off that first one is all it’s about for me at the moment.
I went to my first ‘deliberately sober and not because I’m pregnant’ party on Friday, it was a wine and cheese Christmas party with a guest list of who’s who of all the Harrogate school and sports circles we mix in. Having already decided that I wasn’t going to drink took away all my usual drink related anxieties and pre-night out worries, I was looking forward to a night out where it was going to be me in control, not the booze. It was lots of lovely people having a great night out together without kids and relaxing and drinking. I made my stake to not drink, that I would drive (we could have walked!) and we ditched having a babysitter as I could be home in a flash if the kids needed us. We resolved to be home between half nine and ten so the kids wouldn’t be on their own for too long and so I had a reason to hit home if I was struggling or fading.
As it was, I didn’t struggle, it actually didn’t even occur to me to drink. I walked in armed with my elder flower low sugar fizz and accepted a large glass full of light, refreshing liquid. I watched everyone else drinking their fizz, or red wine, two tipples I would usually favour and I noted the top ups and glass emptying but I didn’t waver. As the evening wore on, I was so glad I was sober, other people became louder, I struggled to hear through the noise and eventually struggled to talk as my vocal chords began to give up to the strain. By 9.30pm it was time to quietly slip away without being noticed. No need to give excuses, just go home. Tomorrow no one will be checking the clocking out times or wondering where we were, there were too many guests to keep track.
The next day I had planned a morning of cleaning and tidying. I love a clean and tidy house at the moment and it was a good idea to have something that I would look forward to achieving without a hangover or needing to go back to bed. We had breakfast, worked out the kids activities and logistics for the day, and I got on with everything I’d planned, yep, I was smug.
I’ve confided to a couple of people about what I’m doing. My friend who has never drunk alcohol has been a great sounding board, but she always is, she doesn’t patronise and she’s thoughtful in her responses. I’ve shared carefully, only with those who I can count on for support. The thing that’s weird is that I feel a bit like I did when I first found out that I was pregnant but we had yet to tell people. It’s like I’m carrying around this secret me who is sooo much better and happier already. I feel like I’m different from the inside and I don’t know if it’s because I’ve taken control of something for me for the first time or that it genuinely is making me feel better. Is it the effect on the mind or the body? I suspect a bit of both. I feel like I’m actually glowing from the inside out, kind of appropriate for Christmas time!
